oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
