he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
