dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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