NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
