Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
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Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.