Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.