When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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