Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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