You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
