Ambien. No doubt about it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
