guys are only as good as the porn they watch
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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