I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
