Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
