i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just gargled with NyQuil
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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