worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
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We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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