Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
