That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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