Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
