So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
