do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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