even my farts smell like vagina
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dicks are not precious.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
