What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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