sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
