i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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