Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
