My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
