my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
