When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
