so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
