I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
