There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I did not marry a roomba.
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