If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
