WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
