It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
