I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
