Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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