you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
