my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
