I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My vagina is very pro this idea
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
