I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
