oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
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NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I deserve this hangover.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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