We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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