My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
