i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
