She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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