The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
