living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
