"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
