Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
