We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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