If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
