make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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