I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
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Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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