We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
