at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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