just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
