You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
