I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
