I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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