if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
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I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
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No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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